Roommate Résumé

Objective: Quality roommate with over 25 years of experience seeks semi-normal, quasi-affordable, cat-free living situation with minimal sketchiness

Shared Living Experience

Boarder¸ Mr. Chase’s House, Seattle, WA February 2007—hopefully very soon

· Arrived with box of Krispy Kreme donuts for new housemates

· Created sense of community by attempting to organize keg party one week after moving in

· Designed and implemented signage program that increased recycling by 150%

· Spearheaded unprecedented refrigerator and cabinet cleaning effort that increased storage space by 250%

Housemate, 2209 Washington, Olympia, WA October 2006—January 2007

· Cleaned bathtub daily

· Did dishes

· Took bus to Bed Bath & Beyond to replace glasses broken

Houseguest, 2519 Firland Street, Tumwater, WA September 2006

· Folded up pullout couch daily to minimize impact of long-term house stay

· Bought hosts Season One of The Office and colander to reduce burns when cooking pasta while stoned

Roommate, The Deckhouse, Philly, PA April 2005—May 2006

· Spent two hours sticking hand in dirty bathroom nasty sink pipes to retrieve heirloom diamond earring that roommate dropped down drain

· Killed spiders both real and imaginary

Suitemate, Brown University, Providence, RI September 2001—May 2004

· Made suitemates name collages that substantially brightened concrete hallway

· Facilitated regular social events including Chocolate Nights and ill-fated surprise sleepovers

· Submitted to requests to reduce volume when playing Tina Turner CD on repeat

Roommate, The Awkwardness That Was Poland 224, Providence, RI September 2000—May 2001

· Shared a single dorm room with two socially challenged freshmen

· Remained calm when returned from weekend trip to find roommates had completely rearranged furniture

Roommate of Pamela Kiely, Manchester-by-the-Sea, MA Womb—April 2005

· Didn’t kill each other

ADDITIONAL EXPERIENCE

Twin, various locations 8 minutes after birth—present

· Developed ability to share everything including a birthday

WHAT’S MINE IS YOURS

George Foreman grill

A Wok

Brita pitcher

Bike pump

Taboo

Snoopy soap dish

Complete box of 64 Crayola crayons

Four jars of assorted nut butters (peanut, cashew, almond)

Fuel

Fuel is closing.
Fuel is the coffee shop that is two blocks from my house.
Fuel is where I go to check my email because there is no wireless at Mr. Chase's House.
Fuel reminds me of Diesel. Only smaller. There are just as many lesbians, though.

So I have to go. Sorry I suck at updating this.

El Speedster

My bicycle (en espanol: mi bicicleta).

My bike (n.) is (v.) hot (adj.).

Slowly (adv.), I (pronoun) am (v., helping verb) losing (v.) my (posessive pronoun) mind (n.).

My bike (subject), which is yellow and black (adj. clause), is called the Speedster (proper noun).

Mi bicicleta es amarilla y negra. Se llama "El Speedster."

T.G.I.T.

And thank god I only work a four-day week.

Trash Can Art

So I'm finally online after 3 days of no internet, which feels like eternity but I still only find 3 real emails in my inbox, and I figure I should write a post. But I'm burnt out from my struggles today, which included trying to teach an 8th grader how to identify subjects and predicates, completely confusing an 11th grader with my explanation of adjective clauses, and trying to wrangle a thesis statement out of a 10th grader who I swear has short term memory loss. Plus I still haven't quite recovered from my reading lesson* yesterday with a 4th grader who would sound out the words correctly so had she just mooshed the sounds together into it a word it would have been the right one, but instead she'd turn to me with a questioning look and spit out a random guess that contained none of the sounds she just articulated.

So no more words. I will leave you with this random image instead.

*The best part of the reading lesson was the word list. It began with the word "color." The second word was "bong."

Welcome to Mr. Chase's House

The lovely common room.

The ghetto spider shower.

My 62 degree room.
(Unless "Mr. Chase," as my sketchy landlord Jacques calls himself, had an open house that day; then it dips into the mid 50 range because he shuts off the heat completely.)

Uploaded Picture Selection

What is it with me and random jobs with ridiculous uniforms and male co-workers twice my age? Can't decide whether or not the brown pullover and polyester pants outdo the other head-to-toe brown uniform I've worn in my life-- the brown spandex unisuit--in terms of style points.