Quackity Quack Quack Qwaaaaaak.

Does anyone have any duck jokes?

Here's my quandry (I was going to say predicament, but "quandry" seems to fit the quacking theme better. Ohh, I could have said "pre-duck-ament"): Well, if you can't tell, I need to write a cheesy "Welcome to the duck tour" introduction because I have an "audition" on Monday to be a duck boat driver. Actually, I don't need to write anything at all, just deliver one of the pre-scripted intros with enough enthusiasm to convince the boss that I am one of those "life of the party" types they are looking for. This appears to be the most important, if not only, qualification of a duck boat driver as he repeated the phrase several times during the initial interview.

I did my best to make it through the interview trying to somehow imply that I could be considered the "life of the party" without actually lying. This mainly consisted of me saying I was "funny and likeable," which was hard enough for me to say with a straight face as it was, and failing to mention that all my jokes are sarcastic and my likeability is based on a mutual hatred of people who love to be the center of attention, especially those who think they're funny. But I quickly gathered that a duck boat is no place for understated humor.

When told that the driver should be the one having the most fun at all times, I nodded and smiled in agreement, again not mentioning that the one time I was on a duck boat I was probably the one having the least fun. Well, besides my dad, who yelled out "Oregon" from the back when the driver asked us where we all were from and then looked like he wanted to jump off the boat for the rest of the time, especially when the "Macarena" came on at full volume. I was hung over and the alarm hadn't gone off so we had just woke up a few minutes before when my dad called to see if we were coming because the duck was about to leave and they already bought non-refundable overpriced tickets and so had to sprint twenty blocks through the oppressively humid Philadelphia morning and almost missed it anyway. After an hour of stupid jokes, even my mom admitted that "Captain George" was a little much.

So the reason I'm trying to at least write my own material is that it's going to be hard enough as it is to pretend that I'm an "entertainer" and there is absolutely no way that I can deliver the stale jokes in these pre-made scripts with anything other than ironic contempt. And I don’t think that’s the tone they’re looking for at Ride the Ducks. Although, in my opinion, it would make for a superior tour.

I mean, really, is there any way I can actually say, “Keep your hands, feet, and whatever else you can inside the Duck. I don’t want to have to call any of you ‘Stub.’”? First off, it’s not even funny and definitely not clever. And second, how awkward would that be if there was an amputee on board? Then I'd have to put my foot in my mouth, which would make it even worse because I'd then be flaunting the fact that I have a foot to put in my mouth (See, look, I can make lame jokes . . . oh god, that was actually another really bad pun in itself and I didn't even mean it. )

And I really can’t deliver jokes that I just don't get (i.e., "Look to the right at the personal injury law firm. Look at all those amazing people in the window and wave. We will see all those people again later and they will all look like they have to go to the bathroom.")

So, does anyone have any duck jokes? (Becca, I'm counting on you for this one . . .)