Roommate Résumé

Objective: Quality roommate with over 25 years of experience seeks semi-normal, quasi-affordable, cat-free living situation with minimal sketchiness

Shared Living Experience

Boarder¸ Mr. Chase’s House, Seattle, WA February 2007—hopefully very soon

· Arrived with box of Krispy Kreme donuts for new housemates

· Created sense of community by attempting to organize keg party one week after moving in

· Designed and implemented signage program that increased recycling by 150%

· Spearheaded unprecedented refrigerator and cabinet cleaning effort that increased storage space by 250%

Housemate, 2209 Washington, Olympia, WA October 2006—January 2007

· Cleaned bathtub daily

· Did dishes

· Took bus to Bed Bath & Beyond to replace glasses broken

Houseguest, 2519 Firland Street, Tumwater, WA September 2006

· Folded up pullout couch daily to minimize impact of long-term house stay

· Bought hosts Season One of The Office and colander to reduce burns when cooking pasta while stoned

Roommate, The Deckhouse, Philly, PA April 2005—May 2006

· Spent two hours sticking hand in dirty bathroom nasty sink pipes to retrieve heirloom diamond earring that roommate dropped down drain

· Killed spiders both real and imaginary

Suitemate, Brown University, Providence, RI September 2001—May 2004

· Made suitemates name collages that substantially brightened concrete hallway

· Facilitated regular social events including Chocolate Nights and ill-fated surprise sleepovers

· Submitted to requests to reduce volume when playing Tina Turner CD on repeat

Roommate, The Awkwardness That Was Poland 224, Providence, RI September 2000—May 2001

· Shared a single dorm room with two socially challenged freshmen

· Remained calm when returned from weekend trip to find roommates had completely rearranged furniture

Roommate of Pamela Kiely, Manchester-by-the-Sea, MA Womb—April 2005

· Didn’t kill each other

ADDITIONAL EXPERIENCE

Twin, various locations 8 minutes after birth—present

· Developed ability to share everything including a birthday

WHAT’S MINE IS YOURS

George Foreman grill

A Wok

Brita pitcher

Bike pump

Taboo

Snoopy soap dish

Complete box of 64 Crayola crayons

Four jars of assorted nut butters (peanut, cashew, almond)