I'm a Winner (But You Knew That)

Getting hopelessly lost is something I do quite often. Although usually I don't have a duckload of people along for the ride.

Anyway, so, there was a Mariners game tonight. I knew this. I had been driving past the stadium all day and had seen everyone setting up. I had made jokes about how I hoped they beat the Yankees again tonight. But I'm on automatic pilot after three tours already that day. As soon as I take the turn and see the ocean of people, I knew I had made a terrible mistake. It's like driving a duck down Yawkey Way during a Sox game.

So I finally get through the mob and it would have been salvageable, except I try to circle around to what I think will lead me to Pioneer Square. Only it shoots me right back into the mess again. At this point, I have been silent for what feels like hours-- no witty banter, no music, no nothing. I'm freaking out. I want to cry. I turn on "Born to Be Wild." "Get your motor running, head out on the highway . . ." We are stopped dead in traffic. So at this point we're like forty five minutes into the tour. I'm going to have to bypass the rest of downtown and just get on Highway 99 to shoot up to Lake Union so we can go in the fucking water. Only I drive parallel to 99 for a couple miles and there is no on-ramp At this point we are so far from downtown we are bouncing over dilapidated railroad tracks, past abandoned warehouses in the industrial area south of downtown. By the time I get onto the highway, I have almost run out of bad music. I play "Love Shack." I play "Tequila." I want to jump out the window. I play "Smokey and the Bandit." I don't even know what Smokey and the Bandit is.

We eventually make it back to the parking lot. I actually made more significantly more in tips than I had on my previous three tours. So sad on so many levels.

*I apologize for the flagrant lack of consistency with tense here. I don't feel like editing. 'Cause basically this is the online equivalent of me going "arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh."