Introducing Quackers! The little ducks that . . .

The title of this post is a nod to the famous "Quackers commercial," circa 1988, captured for eternity on VHS when my dad taped A Charlie Brown Christmas/How the Grinch Stole Christmas off TV for us. Much like the York peppermint patty commercial ("When I bite into a York peppermint patty . . . [man jumps on table]) the ending was cut off, leaving us perpetually curious. So I don't know the rest of that slogan, but it's kind of irrelevant since Quackers never quite succeeded in wresting a significant portion of the "cheddar flavored crackers shaped like animals you might find in a pond" market from Goldfish.

Since I got absolutely no love for my allusion when I described my UPS uniform by using a scene from White Christmas, I'm not expecting much here, but anyway.

So, point of the story, I'm starting duck driver training on Monday.

My audition consisted of me giving a slightly modified introduction where I basically cut out all the jokes (except for "Absolutely no smoking. If I see you smoking, I'm going to have to assume you're fire and take appropriate action.") I also added my own "joke" where I asked the "passengers" (played by the boss/interviewer) if anyone was here in Seattle for the first time. "Really? Great. Me too! I've heard it's a great city, though, I think we'll have fun." Hahaha, imagine how funny it would be if your tour guide had never been to the city before! Or if they had just moved there a few days ago!

And I laughed nervously the entire time. This was the only time in my life I have received anything resembling positive feedback on my nervous laughter. "I like the way you laugh at yourself-- it makes you likeable."

So, in conclusion, "I'm the life of the party!" said a la Gloria from the camping trip I will refer to as the "Pip trip" to distinguish it from multiple other similar camping trips (i.e. the "Club Chinook"/Ignition Remix trip, the "Are we really going camping with our teachers?" trip, etc.)

Who Knew?

And in less than four days I will be moving to Capitol Hill, the Gayborhood of Seattle . . . Glad I'm continuing my streak of unwittingly ending up in the gayest places ever. Well, not always unwittingly. I was warned about Brown by Ashley Jones, who upon hearing that I had applied told me that her sister had wanted to go there but her mother wouldn't let her because there were too many lesbians.

600

The Speedster and I hit recorded mile #600 this afternoon on a country road passing through the farmlands of Littlerock, WA. Sun at my back, Weyerhauser tree farms on my left--rows on rows of seedlings running into the distance-- and Mt. Rainier at 2 o'clock rising above the evergreens.

Quackity Quack Quack Qwaaaaaak.

Does anyone have any duck jokes?

Here's my quandry (I was going to say predicament, but "quandry" seems to fit the quacking theme better. Ohh, I could have said "pre-duck-ament"): Well, if you can't tell, I need to write a cheesy "Welcome to the duck tour" introduction because I have an "audition" on Monday to be a duck boat driver. Actually, I don't need to write anything at all, just deliver one of the pre-scripted intros with enough enthusiasm to convince the boss that I am one of those "life of the party" types they are looking for. This appears to be the most important, if not only, qualification of a duck boat driver as he repeated the phrase several times during the initial interview.

I did my best to make it through the interview trying to somehow imply that I could be considered the "life of the party" without actually lying. This mainly consisted of me saying I was "funny and likeable," which was hard enough for me to say with a straight face as it was, and failing to mention that all my jokes are sarcastic and my likeability is based on a mutual hatred of people who love to be the center of attention, especially those who think they're funny. But I quickly gathered that a duck boat is no place for understated humor.

When told that the driver should be the one having the most fun at all times, I nodded and smiled in agreement, again not mentioning that the one time I was on a duck boat I was probably the one having the least fun. Well, besides my dad, who yelled out "Oregon" from the back when the driver asked us where we all were from and then looked like he wanted to jump off the boat for the rest of the time, especially when the "Macarena" came on at full volume. I was hung over and the alarm hadn't gone off so we had just woke up a few minutes before when my dad called to see if we were coming because the duck was about to leave and they already bought non-refundable overpriced tickets and so had to sprint twenty blocks through the oppressively humid Philadelphia morning and almost missed it anyway. After an hour of stupid jokes, even my mom admitted that "Captain George" was a little much.

So the reason I'm trying to at least write my own material is that it's going to be hard enough as it is to pretend that I'm an "entertainer" and there is absolutely no way that I can deliver the stale jokes in these pre-made scripts with anything other than ironic contempt. And I don’t think that’s the tone they’re looking for at Ride the Ducks. Although, in my opinion, it would make for a superior tour.

I mean, really, is there any way I can actually say, “Keep your hands, feet, and whatever else you can inside the Duck. I don’t want to have to call any of you ‘Stub.’”? First off, it’s not even funny and definitely not clever. And second, how awkward would that be if there was an amputee on board? Then I'd have to put my foot in my mouth, which would make it even worse because I'd then be flaunting the fact that I have a foot to put in my mouth (See, look, I can make lame jokes . . . oh god, that was actually another really bad pun in itself and I didn't even mean it. )

And I really can’t deliver jokes that I just don't get (i.e., "Look to the right at the personal injury law firm. Look at all those amazing people in the window and wave. We will see all those people again later and they will all look like they have to go to the bathroom.")

So, does anyone have any duck jokes? (Becca, I'm counting on you for this one . . .)

Recently Borrowed:

(From the nearby public library)

Erin Brockovich [DVD]
Rounders [DVD]
Sex and the City Season 3 [DVDs]
The Very Best of John Coltrane [CD]
The Cars [CD]
(Dry [a book!] - renewed x2 now though)

I'd say that's a public service put to good use.